So I’m standing in the card aisle in Walmart looking for Mother’s Day cards for my mother, grandmother and mother-in-law. I’m thinking about how Mother’s day is another one of those made up, consumer holidays. I’m not dissing acknowledging your mother. I AM a mother. Please, spend the day with your mom. Do something nice for her. But I think it’s dumb to actually spend money on it.
I’m also wondering why Hallmark doesn’t have more “lukewarm” greetings. Every card talks about how wonderful mom was and how you were so freaking blessed to have her in your life. In reality, I have to wonder how true that is.
I managed to find a card for the women on my side. Then I set out looking for a card for my mother-in-law. Unfortunately there were no cards that simply said, “Thanks for feeding me most of the time and not letting me die before I could care for myself.” That would be an appropriate card.
That’s all she ever really did. When he had the pot of boiling oil dumped on his legs and they hung his legs out the window into the snow instead of taking him to the hospital. When he removed his finger in the wringer washing machine when he was 5 because no one was ever paying attention to him. Luckily that warranted a trip to the ER and Mike has his finger today thanks to a fast moving young doctor.
It’s not the sort of discussion you EVEN want to get me going on.
But here’s the thing….
Mike is a wonderful father. When the boys were babies, he was a better mom than me. He would get up at 3am and fetch the baby, bring him back to me to feed, and then return him when he’d finished. No baby can cry in his presence and that includes stranger’s babies in stores. They’re all drawn to Mike and Mike is the most loving and kind person when he’s faced with a child.
He gets up and goes to work, every day, no matter what. We are his family and the most important thing to him. He dotes on us and loves us more than even I realize at times.
He asks Michael and Eddie how school was, and then he stands there and actually listens when they talk. He NEVER walks out the door to go anywhere without askin’ both boys…. and when Alan is here, he is always asked too… even though he’s not even Mike’s KID… if they want to go too. He loves spending time with these kids. He understands that he’s shaping the future when he’s with them. It’s beautiful.
So… there will be no cards proclaiming undying love for the most wonderfully loving and caring mom in the world for her, but that’s only because the truth of it would escape her. She was not a good mom. She was not loving or kind or caring or motherly at ALL.
However… I DO acknowledge that he would NOT be so wonderful without the exact influence she had on him. He wouldn’t value me as his wife and the mother of his children had he not seen her do the job first. He might not understand just how precious and important his boys are had he not been made so unimportant through so much of his life.
I believe in divine order. I believe that the “bad” things happen for a reason and even though we may stand staring at things incredulous and indignant, they fill a purpose. There IS a reason. Something valuable WILL rise from the ashes. HE was the something valuable. Once I wiped away the soot, there sparkled such a diamond that it still takes my breath away. Priceless.
SO! How can I ever be truly grateful for him and who he is and the way he is without first being grateful for his awful childhood? I’m still stuck with the lack of proper greetings from Hallmark, but grateful I am.
Thank you, mother-in-law, for being overbearing and controlling and bitchy and angry and uninterested. Thank you for ignoring him and pushing him away and making him feel bad. Thank you for treating him so badly that by the time he was 27 and met me, he knew what he wanted in his life and it was no longer you.
Thank you for hating me and treating me badly. Thank you for making me feel like I don’t belong in your family and never will, because the truth is, I don’t. Thank you for using your nature to force him to love me more.
Thank you for ignoring my children. Thank you for not treating them very well. Thank you for never acknowledging their birthdays. Thank you for making them appreciate the grandparents they have on my side of the family. Thank you for showing them that “family” is an earned title and not just something you get by default according to parentage and blood lines.
Thank you mother-in-law, for being who you are and creating such a wonderful man of your son. Even though you didn’t really mean to and even though you never really tried, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. And thank you for continuing to be yourself. Your influence on this world is truly irreplaceable, and regardless of how you feel about ME, I love you. Really. I’m sorry it was so hard for you and I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through in your life. I’m sorry it couldn’t be easier for you, but you made it and you did the best you could and I appreciate you.
~ Sigh ~ Feelings can be so complicated.
I hope you’re appreciating all the people in your life. Even the ones that seemingly serve no purpose other than to annoy. There is a divine order and you are so important that you’re part of it! All things are happening for a reason. Embrace it. Embrace them.
~OxOxx ∞
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