Blooming Where I'm Planted!

A topic I’ve been hearing about a lot lately is how to identify limiting beliefs and THEN how to change them to more empowering beliefs. This is a subject I am now very familiar with thanks to my husband. He really brought one to the surface for me this morning. Unfortunately I didn’t see it until after I slammed all the door in the house and broke the washing machine. But anyway…

In our house, everything inside the garden and house is my domain. I do all the cooking and cleaning and growing. I’m a homemaker. I accept this as my end of the bargain. He works and supports us financially. I balance the bills, the check book and the house. Now, that’s not to say he doesn’t do anything. He mows lawn, fixes the cars, remodels the house, can and does build anything and everything etc… He does little things like clearing the table while I’m cooking dinner or clearing the demolished kitchen counters and stacking the dishes neatly for me. And he’s ALWAYS been 50/50 with parenting. No complaints here.

Well, laundry is my most disliked chore and lately it’s been piling up. I have probably 3 loads of clean laundry in my bedroom that needs to be folded, but I haven’t made it in there to do it in about 3 days. Yeah, I know I should do it, but I don’t like it and I’ve been busy doing other things. This morning, Scott asked me if he had any clean socks and underwear. I told him the full load of whites was in the washing machine and that if he threw it into the already empty drier, they’d be good to go before it was time for him to leave.

He’s been dropping hints in a playful way that he thinks I need to get my shit together and get the laundry done and I’ve been agreeing but blowing him off. He just put a new window in the living room and I still didn’t even have curtains up. I’ve been moving some furniture around trying to find a comfortable flow in my home. I’ve been watching the boys while they swim in the pool. I’ve been trying to get off my butt and take Abby for a walk every day. I’m still not completely back to normal since Charlie ran away. It’s just been rough for me over the past month. Things really change when the kids are home for summer vacation and it can be difficult for me to find my groove.

I listened to him get up and leave the bedroom. Then I heard the laundry room door close. I got up and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I was standing there pouring water into the back of the coffee maker when I realized I was hearing water running into the washing machine. I went over and opened the door and there he stood in front of a washer full of clothes with water running in.

“Why are you doing laundry?” I said.

“Because it needs done.” he said. Now, there was nothing off-sounding in his voice. He didn’t sound annoyed or impatient or mean or mad or anything. I still pulled the door closed and went into my bedroom and slammed the door as hard as I could. Then I burst into tears and my mind went a mile a minute. I ended up being able to step back and analyze the thoughts I was having from an observers point of view and deconstruct the limiting belief. The only way I know how to explain it though is to tell you exactly how it happened. Here is the conversation my mind had with my ego

Why does he DO this crap!? Doing the laundry is MY job! I don’t go around towing things. That’s HIS job! It’s like he doesn’t think I’m good enough! It’s like I’m doing the best I can (no you’re not) around here to keep this house clean (which is why it’s always a mess) and take care of these kids (that are 7 and 9 and basically take care of themselves) and he’s gotta throw it in my face that I’m not doing a good enough job(because you’re lazy). I’m NOT lazy! I don’t clean because I choose not to because I don’t like it (which is called being lazy…). No. I do the gardening and walk the dog and (play on your laptop and sit on your ass…). That’s not fair! (Why not?) …. why not…. why not…

God, I’m torturing myself. This is stupid. I need a better feeling thought. What can I say that’s true? What can I say that’ll help me dig out of this hole?

Because I do a lot around here! (That’s true.) I handle all the money. (True) Even if all the dishes are dirty, no one else ever has to wash a dish. I always present the food with clean dishes. (True) I take good care of all the precious souls in my charge! (True)

Okay, I guess I’m not so bad. (What?) I said I guess I’m not so… wait a minute… this all started because HE didn’t think I was good enough!! (He never said that though.) No, but if he thought I was doing a good enough job, he wouldn’t be out there doing MY chores! (Because it’s not like that’d be helpful or anything…) Well even if he IS trying to be helpful, it still pisses me off. He should leave MY stuff alone and worry about his own. I’ve told him before that it makes me feel like shit when he does that. I don’t like it when people make me feel like I’m not doing a good enough job.

(Are you doing a good enough job?) Of course I am! I do a perfectly fine job! (Really? Because you’re the only one that keeps saying you’re not….) NOOOOOOoo it was HIM doin MY chores for me! (Did it need done?) Yes, but.. (Did he SAY you weren’t doing good enough?) Well, no but that’s how it made me feel.

(If you started wearing high heels all the time, and he got upset because it makes him feel like he’s not tall enough… wouldn’t you say that he must already believe on some level that he’s not tall enough in order for him to perceive the insult from your benign actions?) Are you trying to say that deep down I believe I’m not good enough and that’s why I react that way? Not because of anything HE thinks, but because I’m thinking something I’m not even aware of and it’s pulling me out of alignment with my happiness because I know it’s not really true? (Ya think?) But why would I believe I’m lazy and not good enough? That’s not a very empowering thing to believe about yourself.

Although… my step father always said my mom was lazy. Lazy and worthless. He’d go into a huff and do a bunch of laundry or clean the kitchen so he could complain about how he HAD to because she was too lazy. But I always figured that was why I felt defensive when someone made me feel that way. That whole, “Nobody’s going to treat me that way!” thing. Hmmm.

(Well, the house IS always messy..) There’s nowhere to put anything! I’ve tried every organizational tool and piece of furniture I can find. Kevin and Kyle share a 9×9′ bedroom and so do Scott and I. I’m SO looking forward to my bedroom being built on the other side of the house because then everything will have a place!

(But everything can’t be messy this bad just for lack of storage…) No.. It’s because no matter how I arrange and fix and clean, things still look cluttered and messy because of lack of storage. I reach a point of anxiety about it and stop doing anything. Then the whole house falls apart over about a week. Then I pep talk myself into cleaning it. Then I feel GREAT. But then those cluttered areas start to haunt me and it all starts to fall apart. This is when the depression hits and I become overwhelmed and give up again.

(So… because your family of 4 is living in a slightly cramped way due to the growth of your family and possessions, you lack the space to have a comfortably organized home. Frustration with the chaos leads you to feel extremely overwhelmed and then depressed for a period until you rationalize yourself out of your funk and resume normal activity until the chaos becomes overwhelming again. Then when your husband does something you see as “your chore” you react as though his deeds are done in the same spirit as those done by someone who hurt you in your past. And because you KNOW and can’t deny that the house is a mess because you’re feeling out of control and overwhelmed… you feel as though the insults you’re perceiving as coming from your husband are in fact true!)

But that would mean that I’m having a knee jerk reaction (that is a learned behavior) to meaning that I’m applying to an action that was originally meaningless. (Now you’re getting it!)

So he was just doing a load of laundry. I can’t seem to get out from under the feeling of anxiety and being overwhelmed long enough to keep the house clean very long and because I’m sitting and doing nothing, I believe I’m being lazy. Then when he does my chores, the way my step father used to do my mothers, I perceive that he’s saying to me that I’m lazy and not good enough because that’s what my step father always meant when HE did it. And because I see myself sit here in perfect health I am angry with myself for not being “better“.

And with that illumination, at that moment, my tears cleared and my mood lifted and I wasn’t angry anymore. As a matter of fact, this is the best defunking I think I’ve ever done. I’ve made a few creative decisions and after I change some things around here and take advantage of some unused space I’ve been neglecting to use for some reason, things will be MUCH more organized and MUCH LESS cluttered.

I feel like I can breathe even though my breath didn’t really feel constricted in the first place. I feel like I just walked right out of a forest that I’ve been lost in for years. I’ve felt downright buoyant since I made peace with how I feel about myself. Somehow I just know it’ll be okay now. My first order of business will be a decluttering mission I can tell you that much!

SO! My advice to you on identifying a limiting belief about yourself is to look at how other people make you feel. You must, on some level, in some way believe or fear there may be some truth to what you perceive is being said or you wouldn’t have a negative or defensive reaction to it.

How many limiting beliefs can you identify about yourself? The truth will set you free!
∞

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 at 1:39 PM and is filed under Law of Attraction, Relationships & Marriage, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.